hello little human

How to take care of her after birth: a partner's guide

The short answer

  • Birth is a major physical recovery. Bleeding can last up to 6 weeks, and a cesarean is major surgery [1][2].
  • Your job is to take everything that isn’t recovery or feeding off their plate: food, house, visitors, nights you can cover, appointments.
  • Feeding is hard work. Bring water and a snack to every feed, and get help early if it hurts.
  • Ask, don’t fix. “What would help most right now?” beats guessing.
  • Know the warning signs. You may spot them first [3].

“Her” is in the title because that’s what most partners search for. This guide is for anyone caring for the person who gave birth.

What their body is going through

  • Bleeding (lochia) for up to 6 weeks, heaviest in the first days [1].
  • Pain from stitches, tears or a cesarean incision, plus cramps as the uterus shrinks [4].
  • After a cesarean: no lifting anything heavier than the baby for 6 to 8 weeks, and no driving for at least 2 weeks or while taking opioid pain medicine [2].
  • Mood swings as hormones drop, and night sweats in the first weeks. Hair shedding often starts a few months after birth and peaks around 4 months [5]. See the hormone crash.
  • Sore, full breasts or chest, whether or not they breastfeed.
  • Exhaustion that no one quite describes beforehand.

More detail is in postpartum recovery. Read it, so they don’t have to explain.

What to take on

Every day

  • Food and water. Make breakfast. Fill the water bottle without being asked. Keep one-handed snacks within reach of the feeding chair.
  • The house. Dishes, laundry, trash, pets. The rule is simple: if it’s not feeding the baby or healing, it’s yours.
  • Their recovery. Fill the peri bottle, restock pads, hand over pain medicine on time, and keep track of the doses.
  • One long sleep. Protect one stretch of 4 or 5 hours for them each day or night if you can, by taking the baby or a feed.

Feeding support

  • Breastfeeding or chestfeeding: bring the baby, pillows, water and the phone. Then take the baby after for burping, changing and settling.
  • If it hurts, or the baby isn’t gaining, call the pediatrician or a lactation consultant early. Pain that lasts isn’t something to push through. See low milk supply.
  • Pumping: wash and sterilize the parts. It’s the most thankless job in the house, and it’s yours now. See breast milk storage.
  • Formula or a mix: take whole feeds. And never question the choice. Fed is the goal.

Appointments and admin

  • Book and drive to their postpartum visits. ACOG recommends contact with their provider within 3 weeks, and a full visit by 12 weeks [6].
  • Take the baby’s checkups if they need a break. See well-baby visits.
  • Handle insurance, the birth certificate forms and the thank-you notes.

Visitors

You’re the gatekeeper. Keep visits short, keep sick people away, and give everyone a job. See visitors and family boundaries.

What to say, and what not to

Helpful:

  • “You’re doing an amazing job.”
  • “What would help most right now?”
  • “Go sleep. I’ve got the baby until 3.”
  • “How are you really feeling?”

Not helpful:

  • “Let me know if you need anything.” (Notice instead.)
  • “Are you sure the baby’s eating enough?”
  • “When will you be back to normal?”
  • Any comment on their body.

Sex and intimacy

Wait until they’re healed and ready, and let them raise it. Providers usually suggest waiting around 6 weeks after birth for sex [1]. Ready can take longer, and that’s normal. Closeness without pressure helps: a hug, a back rub, a conversation that isn’t about the baby. Talk about birth control before you need it. Pregnancy is possible before the first period comes back [7].

Warning signs to act on

Get medical care right away, and say they gave birth recently, for any of the CDC’s urgent warning signs: a headache that won’t go away, vision changes, a fever of 100.4°F (38°C) or higher, trouble breathing, chest pain, heavy bleeding (soaking through one or more pads in an hour), severe belly pain, swelling and pain in one leg, overwhelming tiredness, or thoughts of harming themselves or the baby [3]. In an emergency, call 911.

For their mood: the baby blues usually ease within 2 weeks. If sadness, anxiety, anger or scary thoughts last longer or get worse, help them call their provider [8]. The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline, 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), is open 24/7 for both of you [9].

Look after yourself too

A worn-out partner can’t carry anyone. Eat, sleep in shifts, get outside, and tell someone if you’re struggling. Partners get postpartum depression too. See the partner’s section.

Sources

  1. MedlinePlus (National Library of Medicine), “Vaginal delivery - discharge.” medlineplus.gov
  2. MedlinePlus (National Library of Medicine), “Going home after a C-section.” medlineplus.gov
  3. CDC, Hear Her campaign, “Urgent Maternal Warning Signs.” cdc.gov
  4. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “Postpartum Pain Management.” acog.org
  5. American Academy of Dermatology Association, “Hair loss in new moms.” aad.org
  6. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, Committee Opinion No. 736, “Optimizing Postpartum Care” (2018). acog.org
  7. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “Postpartum Birth Control.” acog.org
  8. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “Postpartum Depression.” acog.org
  9. Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA), “National Maternal Mental Health Hotline.” mchb.hrsa.gov

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