hello little human

New grandparents: how to help (and what's changed since your day)

The short answer

  • Your first job is taking care of the new parents. The baby has two people devoted to them. The parents need someone devoted to them.
  • Ask what they need. Don’t assume. “What would help most this week?” is the best thing you can say.
  • The help that matters most is unglamorous: meals, dishes, laundry, errands, and holding the baby so a parent can sleep or shower.
  • Follow their lead, even when you’d do it differently. They’re the parents now.
  • Some baby care advice has changed since you raised children, because the research changed. The big ones are below.

If someone sent you this page, they love you and want you close. This is how to be the grandparent everyone’s glad to see.

What new parents usually need

  • Sleep. Take the baby for a couple of hours so they can sleep, then hand back.
  • Food. Bring a meal in a container you don’t need back. Stock the freezer.
  • A clean house, without comment on the state of it.
  • Errands. Groceries, the pharmacy, the dog, school runs for older kids.
  • Space. Short visits, or help that happens while they’re out of the room.
  • Kind words. “You’re doing a wonderful job” goes a long way at 3am.

How to offer help

  • Ask first: “What would help most this week?” Then do exactly that, even if it’s dishes rather than cuddles.
  • Be specific: “I’ll bring dinner Tuesday at 6, and leave by 7” is easier to accept than “Let me know if you need anything.”
  • Ask before you visit, and let them set the length.
  • Ask before posting photos of the baby online.
  • Back their decisions in front of others, even ones you’d make differently.

What not to do

  • Don’t arrive sick, or with a “small cold.” Babies can get seriously ill from it [1].
  • Don’t kiss the baby’s face. Cold sores can pass on a virus that’s very dangerous to newborns [2].
  • Don’t correct how they hold, feed or soothe the baby, unless it’s a safety issue.
  • Don’t comment on the birthing parent’s body, weight or feeding choices.
  • Don’t take the baby to another room when they’re upset. Hand them back.
  • Don’t keep score of who visits more.

Before you meet the baby

The CDC says anyone who’ll be around the baby, grandparents included, should get a whooping cough shot (Tdap) if they’ve never had one. Get it at least 2 weeks before meeting the baby, so it has time to work [3]. Babies under 6 months are too young for a flu shot, so everyone who cares for them should get a flu vaccine each season [3]. Ask your doctor what you need.

What’s changed since you raised a baby

You weren’t wrong then. The advice changed as the research came in. Follow the parents’ lead on all of these.

Then Now Why
Babies slept on their tummies Back to sleep for every nap and night, until age 1 [4] Sleeping on the back sharply cut sudden infant deaths [4]
Bumpers, blankets and soft toys in the crib Nothing in the crib but a fitted sheet on a firm, flat mattress [4]. Padded crib bumpers have been banned from sale in the US since 2022 [5] Soft things raise the risk of suffocation [4]
Forward-facing car seats at 1 year Rear-facing as long as possible, until the child reaches the seat’s rear-facing height or weight limit [6] Each move to the next type of seat gives up some protection, so the AAP says to delay it as long as possible [6]
Baby walkers No walkers [7] They cause falls, including down stairs [7]
Cereal in the bottle to help them sleep No cereal in the bottle, unless the baby’s doctor advises it for reflux [8] A choking risk, and it can lead to overfeeding [8]
Solids at a few months Solids at about 6 months, when the baby shows signs they’re ready [8] Babies need only milk or formula until then [8]
Hold off on peanuts and eggs Introduce peanut and egg early, once the baby has started solids. Babies with severe eczema or an egg allergy may start as early as 4 to 6 months, after the pediatrician checks them [9][10] Early introduction can help prevent peanut and egg allergies [9][10]
A little honey on a pacifier No honey before age 1 [11] It can cause infant botulism [11]
Water in hot weather No water before 6 months, only breast milk or formula [12] Water can upset a baby’s salt balance and, rarely, cause seizures [12]
Teething gels with numbing medicine, or amber necklaces Neither [13] Numbing gels can harm babies, and necklaces are a choking and strangling risk [13]
“Don’t pick them up, you’ll spoil them” Respond to crying. You can’t spoil a young baby [14] Babies whose cries are answered quickly cry less overall [14]

When you disagree

You’ll see things you’d do differently. Unless it’s about safety, let it go. If it is about safety, say it once, kindly, in private, and then trust them to decide. “Can I share something I read?” opens a door. “That’s wrong” closes one.

Sources

  1. HealthyChildren.org (AAP), “RSV: When It’s More Than Just a Cold.” healthychildren.org
  2. HealthyChildren.org (AAP), “Herpes Simplex Virus (Cold Sores).” healthychildren.org
  3. CDC, “Vaccines for Family and Caregivers.” cdc.gov
  4. Moon RY, et al., “Sleep-Related Infant Deaths: Updated 2022 Recommendations for Reducing Infant Deaths in the Sleep Environment,” Pediatrics 2022;150(1):e2022057990. doi.org
  5. US Consumer Product Safety Commission, “Safe Sleep for Babies Act Business Guidance.” cpsc.gov
  6. HealthyChildren.org (AAP), “Car Seats: Information for Families.” healthychildren.org. Durbin DR, Hoffman BD, “Child Passenger Safety,” Pediatrics 2018;142(5):e20182460. doi.org
  7. HealthyChildren.org (AAP), “Baby Walkers: A Dangerous Choice.” healthychildren.org
  8. HealthyChildren.org (AAP), “Starting Solid Foods.” healthychildren.org
  9. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, “Guidelines for Clinicians and Patients for Diagnosis and Management of Food Allergy” / peanut allergy prevention addendum (2017). niaid.nih.gov
  10. HealthyChildren.org (AAP), “When to Introduce Egg, Peanut Butter and Other Common Food Allergens.” healthychildren.org
  11. CDC, “Foods and Drinks to Avoid or Limit” (Infant and Toddler Nutrition). cdc.gov
  12. HealthyChildren.org (AAP), “How to Safely Prepare Baby Formula With Water.” healthychildren.org
  13. US Food and Drug Administration, “Safely Soothing Teething Pain and Sensory Needs in Babies and Older Children.” fda.gov
  14. HealthyChildren.org (AAP), “Responding to Your Baby’s Cries.” healthychildren.org

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